The meaning of life in one word - Part II

Read Part I

re·la·tion·ship

1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.*

—Synonyms 1. dependence, alliance, kinship. 2. affinity, consanguinity.

(Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)Based on the Random
House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.)


Think about all your relationships. There are so many kinds...family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, schoolmates, teacher/student, pastor/congregant, coworkers, internet buddies, even store clerks and service providers. Each of our relationships is a connection with a combination of depth, length and importance. And each one is a piece of the meaning of our lives.

As you go through your day, you probably don't think about each relationship and what the interaction with that person means to you (or them). Was the encounter positive or negative? Was it give and take, or was it one-sided (did you only give or only take)? Were you glad to have seen or talked to that person? And what about the relationships with people you didn't interact with today? Even the relationships you neglect or avoid are meaningful.

In the book and movie The Five People You Meet in Heaven, a guy named Eddie dies thinking that his life didn't mean much because he never got to live the life he dreamed of. He wanted to be an engineer, but instead spent all of his life (with the exception of serving in the army during a war) as the maintenance man at an amusement park. The five people he meets are there to teach him just how meaningful his life was.

I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to be dead or dying before I realize what each relationship in my life means! I want to experience it every moment of the day, in every encounter. I don't want to go through life just skimming the surface...I want to experience life deeply. I want to go to bed at night knowing that even though I sleep alone, I am never really alone, because I am connected.

And the most important relationship in my life? Well, that one I'll tell you about next time.

(continued)

*Notice how the word "connection" is missing from this definition? An interesting subject for another day.

Did you ever think I would say THIS?

I know I owe you another post on the meaning of life, and I'm working on it. But right now I have to shower and get to bed because I am exhausted from...




...wait for it...




...my hip hop dance class.

The meaning of life in one word

A couple of months ago I was doing my normal drive to Michigan for a visit. This was going to be a week with the kids only, as their mom and dad were on a romantic trip for their 25th anniversary.

I was within a mile of my destination when the podcast I had been listening to started to really touch my heart. I felt that what I was hearing was something extremely important because that heart started to race. I ended up pulling over a couple of blocks from the house so I could really listen to what the speaker was saying. It's a good thing I pulled over, because I burst into tears.

The speaker - Ravi Zacharais - is a preacher who travels all over the world. He was preaching on "The Pursuit of Meaning - Regaining the Wonder" (you can get the podcast here). At one point Ravi talked about the tragedy of traveling so much that whenever he came home, his little girl Naomi, still in her walker, would not recognize him. After a particularly long trip...

...I arrived home and little Nimmi was in her walker. As I said at that time her cheeks were so bulging that it made her eyes look like an afterthought - cute as a button. I had been actually traveling for so long I was not sure that she would remember me. And when I came there and walked into the kitchen where she was with Grandma sitting at the kitchen table she was in her walker, I put the two suitcases down and she lifted up her chubby countenance and looked at me and I looked back. For about one minute we had a staring contest. And finally she made a charge in my direction and nearly flipped over that walker. I put my arms out as her two arms shot out like pistons...I picked her up and wrapped my arms around her as she nuzzled with her face resting on my shoulder. And as I looked with that tiny little body wrapped in my own arms I looked over to see Grandma, instantly the tears started to run down the face.

Ladies and gentlemen, before God I beg you to believe me. Of all the thrills of lucrative benefits that the business of the preaching world could have brought to me; of all the wonder that comes from preaching at a conference of such great names; of all the joy that comes from meeting other people at conferences and what have you, of reading some great books and studying philosophy as much as it can dazzle your mind...all of them paled for so long into insignificance as I realized in that one minute I learned more about the meaning of life than all the books in philosophy I had ever read.

Meaning comes from relationship.

(continued)

The meaning of life

Well, that's quite a subject to start when it's already past my bedtime. It's an age-old question, asked at least once by probably 99% of all people who ever lived.

What is the meaning of life?

Can you give an answer in one word? I can.

Think about it.

**Liveblogging** S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y

For the first time in as long as I can remember (OK, that's not saying much), it's Saturday and I have no obligations to fulfill, no work assignments, no appointments, no social engagements. I've got stuff I should/could/would do...but if I did absolutely nothing the consequences would simply be a wasted day.

So what am I doing up at 5:53 am? Well, I've wasted enough days in my life already and I don't want this to be another one. Therefore, I'm going to "liveblog" the entire day and document what I do. To you it might be a tad boring, but to me it's a challenge. So check back often for up-t0-the-minute coverage of a day in the life of Aunt Judie!

**6:02a** Finished first post. OK, that goes without saying.

**7:32a** I realized as I was getting dressed that the reason I have nothing to do today is that I set it aside as a "catch-up" in preparation for going to Michigan for a visit. But the work reason for my visit was cancelled. Also, I usually teach a computer class on Saturday mornings, and this is our "off week" between sessions.

So far I've showered, dressed and done my morning study/prayer time. I'm studying a devotional called "Women of the Bible", and this week it's about Esther. Talk about God using unexpected people in big ways! I also made my bed...and discovered it must have been a while. I found four books and three magazines...yikes! Now I'm off to breakfast at one of my favorite spots. Not sure which one...I'll decide in the car.

**11:03a** Ended up at Butterfield's, one of those places that serves only breakfast and lunch. Which is appropriate, since I had the Monte Cristo sandwich and it was so big I'm having the rest for lunch. (By the way...it was good, but not as good as yours, Carol!) After I got home I made two batches of cookie dough which is cooling in the frig. Now I'm off to the craft store for ideas...I'm making samples of wedding cookies for two customers.

**1:32p** Back from the stores...didn't find any new ideas for cookie decorating or packaging. This is the hardest part...coming up with the designs. Well, I think I'll take a break and watch a movie, which I haven't done for a long time.

**6:01p** Watched "Casino Royale". Not usually an action movie fan, but that was good! Then took a nap. Time to bake cookies!

**9:03p** Six batches of cookies and four loads of laundry...DONE! I think I'll watch another movie.

**11:55p** Well, with one pleasant interruption for a phone chat with my sister-in-law, I finished the movie "Braveheart" (which, by the way, is a chick flick despite the blood and gore) and find myself at the end of a pretty productive and fun day. Gotta be at church early, so I'll say goodnight.

Thanks for tuning in!

Unforgiven - Part V

Read Part I
Read Part II
Read Part III
Read Part IV

In 1933 a baby girl who would become my mother was born. I'll never know what made her the person she was when I knew her. But I'm pretty sure she did not purposely become an alcoholic. I know she did not have a childhood dream to someday abandon her husband and four young children. And she certainly did not intend to die at age 43.

She died thirty years ago, and it took over twenty years for me to forgive her. In all that time my unforgiveness did not hurt her one bit. It only hurt me and, in turn, caused me to hurt the people in my life.

Forgiveness is the only thing that can end the cycle of hurt.

There is a lot more to forgiveness, as far as achieving it in every situation and with every person or institution that has harmed you. You may find that you even have to forgive God Himself.

I spent (wasted) a lot of time being mad at God for my life. Why couldn't I have what other people had - two parents, my own room, a house in the suburbs, a fast metabolism and a yearning for veggies and exercise instead of donuts and television? Accepting my situation and seeing all the blessings in my life took many years, many tears and lots of prayer.

Still today I have trouble letting some things go. Just last week an old friend caught me bringing up an old hurt (a perceived slight, really). I tried to convince him that I wasn't bitter about it anymore, but he wasn't buying it. If I had truly achieved forgiveness for that incident I would not be mentioning it. He was right.

As I said earlier, forgiveness is simple but it is not easy. The "simple" part is to realize that unforgiveness only hurts you, not your enemy. Think about the grudges you are holding right now. Who are you hurting? If you forgive today, even if you don't feel like it, you would wake up tomorrow a different person. Try it with something small and see what it does for you. Then move on to something bigger.

The "not easy" part is to live in a state of forgiveness, every day, in every situation. It's a constant struggle. And you can't fake it, either. You can't say you forgive then still hold onto your grudge...it will show in your words and actions. Ask God to help you see the truth and forgive completely.

We need to forgive others as God has forgiven us. It's for our own good.

Unforgiven - Part IV

Read Part I
Read Part II
Read Part III

Getting called nasty names by an old guy on the radio is one thing. How do you forgive a child abuser or a mass murderer? It helps to try to see the person through God's eyes. I can't say it any better than Stormie Omartian.

She had been forgiving her abusive, mentally-ill mother for years. It took a long time because her unforgiveness had been deep and needed to be "unraveled, one layer at a time":

One day as I was again asking God to give me a forgiving heart, I felt led to pray, "Lord, help me to have a heart like Yours for my mother."

Almost immediately I had a vision of her as I had never seen before. She was a beautiful, fun-loving, gifted woman who bore no resemblance to the person I knew. My understanding told me I was seeing her the way God had made her to be and not the way she had become. What an amazing revelation! I couldn't have conjured it up myself. Nothing had ever surpassed my hatred for my mother, except perhaps the depth of my own emptiness. Yet now I felt compassion and sympathy for her.

The Virginia Tech killer, Chevy Chase's mother and stepfather, Stormie's mother, my mother...they were all born innocent. They all laughed and played as children, they had hopes and dreams. They were made in the image of God, just like you and me.

continued

Unforgiven - Part III

Read Part I
Read Part II

Acknowledging the pain is important, but it is only the first step. How do you leap from that to forgiveness?

You know how your parents would tell you to do things that are for your own good? Things you didn't feel like doing...finishing your homework, cleaning your room, going to the dentist? You knew these had benefits, but if it were your choice you might not have done them because you didn't feel like it.

Same thing with forgiveness. God instructs us to do it...whether we feel like it or not! Because it is good for us.

That's where there is a common misunderstanding of forgiveness. "Forgiveness doesn't make the other person right; it makes you free." (Stormie Omartian)

I read that the Rutgers basketball players have forgiven Don Imus for the awful names he called them. You know what this does for those ladies? It allows them to move on with their lives. And while Imus is surely grateful to have it, their forgiveness did not excuse what he did or benefit him in any material way...he still lost his job.

One of my favorite preachers is Joyce Meyer. In a recent TV show on forgiveness, she made an excellent point. She said that not forgiving is like taking poison hoping your enemy will die.

continued

Unforgiven - Part II

Read Part I

Maybe Chevy Chase is not refusing to forgive his abusers. Maybe he wants to and he doesn't know how. Like a lot of things in life, forgiving is simple...but it's not easy.

Any one of us could sit and make a list of the wrongs that have been done to us...from real or perceived (doesn't make a difference) unfairness to the most unthinkable horrors. Call it a "Victim Resume". I have one. In the course of many years of searching for an answer to my weight problem and unhappiness (thinking the former caused the latter), I have written my Resume down - in detail - and in doing so was able to get closer to letting every item go.

For me the first step was acknowledging that all of the things on my Victim Resume actually happened, that they were wrong, and that they hurt me. I had to let myself feel the pain instead of swallowing it (food being my numbing drug of choice). My Resume was long, and it had some serious stuff on it. But just the act of writing about it, letting myself feel the pain and cry about it made a huge difference in my life.

There are several medical conditions which cause people not to feel physical pain - children who can have broken bones or serious burns without realizing it; diabetics who can have an infection in their feet and not know it until it is too late to avoid amputation. In these cases, not feeling the pain is certainly not a desireable situation.

Emotional pain is the same way. It might seem like not feeling the pain would be a good thing. But just like a broken bone or an infection, the damage of emotional hurt is not going to go away because we ignore it...it is just going to get worse. Eventually, the damage is so great that it poisons every aspect of our lives.

continued

Unforgiven

The events of the last couple of weeks have caused me to ponder the subject of forgiveness. First it was the Imus thing, then the human destruction of Virginia Tech, and now Chevy Chase.

Huh? Well, I read this morning that the comedian Chevy Chase (Saturday Night Live in the old days, Fletch and Vacation movies) has revealed in an authorized biography that he was the victim of horrible physical and emotional abuse as a child. And he refuses to forgive his abusers:

"I always turn to it in my mind . . . I'll never forgive them. At their graves I didn't. It was too hard for me. You would think a grown man could shake it off, as the coffin was being lowered, to say, 'I forgive you.' I don't forgive."

I guess you can't really blame him. Just as you can't blame the families of the shooter's victims for hating the man who slaughtered their loved ones, or the basketball players deeply hurt by the words of a radio talk show host, who didn't know them and who they had probably had never heard of before.

But they are also missing the point. They misunderstand the purpose and nature of forgiveness.

In her excellent book Lord, I Want to Be Whole, author Stormie Omartian makes the case for forgiveness as one of the first steps of emotional healing. I am not familiar with what other faiths say about forgiveness. But as Christians, God instructs us to forgive those who have hurt us.

But why should we? The people who have hurt us don't deserve our forgiveness! Well, we don't deserve the forgiveness God grants us, either.

(continued)

Easter Cookies

Made these for the church Easter brunch:

Every girl's crazy about...

...a sharp dressed man.

Guys, take it from me...and ZZ Top! There is just something about a man in a suit and tie, clean-shaved face, freshly-trimmed hair. Wowsa!

As inspiring as the service was for the importance of the occasion, being in church yesterday with all those men - who every other week are in polo shirts or even dress shirts with no tie or jacket - was a surprisingly lovely experience.

Unfortunately, I felt like Cinderella's ugly stepsister, since I hadn't bought a new dress for Easter and went to church in slacks and the same top I'd worn there a hundred times before. I won't make that mistake again!

Guys - and gals - when you have a chance to dress up, do it!

Loosen my fingers, Lord

This morning I was able to catch up on some of the reading that I missed during Lent because of letting myself get too busy with other things (and too lazy to get up early in the morning, my best time for reading and study). My bad.

Wow, I missed a lot of good stuff. The following is from a Lenten reflections booklet called "Stay With Us, Lord", by Father Robert Barron. The one that hit my heart and mind hard was called "In the Loop of Grace". I'll quote it in full (emphasis mine):

"While he was still a long way off, his father caught sight of him, and was filled with compassion. He ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him." (Luke 15:20)

This is one of the great metaphors in the Bible: God is like a father who gives and gives and gives. God's whole being is "for-giving". When we receive the divine life as a gift, we're meant to give it away. There's the trick. There's the heart of the spiritual life. What you receive as a gift - which is everything we have - give as a gift.

When you draw on the divine life and give it away, you get more. We exist in a kind of loop of grace: what's received is given, and when it's given away, you receive more. It's a basic biblical truth. Write it in your hearts: when you cling to your being, you lose it. When you cling to your gifts and your talents, you lose them. You have them and they multiply only in the measure that you learn how to give them away.

Tomorrow we shall rejoice in the glory of the Risen Lord. We will celebrate and feast and be glad that Lent, with all it's sacrifice and gloom, is behind us. But what will we take with us in the days ahead...those "ordinary" days between the two "biggies"?

What I hope to take with me is the renewed realization that my very life is a gift. And that even when I don't think anybody could possibly miss the gifts I neglect to share, I'll remember that those gifts are nothing if I don't turn around and give them to others.

What gifts are you hesitant to share? You'll miss them when they are gone.

Loosen my fingers, Lord, that I may be more willing to give away what I have received.

Father Robert Barron's web site is here. Check it out.

God is always working

It's been a couple of weeks of busy, but there have also been a lot of inspiring stories come my way. (FYI...after this post I'm going to go back to reading Grammar for Dummies...not kidding.)

This story hits my heart for several reasons. It's long, but if you ever doubt that God has a plan, even when things seem seriously screwed up, you might change your mind after reading this. My thanks to the author, my nephew Michael, who gave me permission to reprint this in full.

I sent you a letter about a month ago asking for prayers and financial support for the 2007 Juarez mission trip through Faith Lutheran Church. I figured it would be good to drop a letter to thank you for all your support and tell you a little bit about how the trip went.

We left for El Paso on Saturday and had a layover in Chicago. We were on the plane for about an hour when we were told that due to the ice storm we were not going to be able to take off. We ended up having to spend Saturday night sleeping on the airport floor. A news crew came by and intereviewed a few people from our group and the interviews were played on CNN as well as some local news channels. We were looking for a flight to El Paso, but couldn't get on one out until Monday afternoon. We got on the plane Monday afternoon and sat for about 20 minutes when the pilot announced that he had too many hours without any rest, and they had no other crew. We had to get off that plane and find another way to get the 50 people from our group into El Paso. We ended up dividing into three small groups and finally all got to Juarez by Tuesday around 5:00pm. We were planning on getting there on Saturday night, so our time in Juarez got cut in half.

While we were stuck in the airport for three days some people began to become disappointed that we couldn't be working in Juarez yet, but God was still working in Juarez without us. Seven guys went down to Juarez three or four days early so they could have our sites ready to work on as soon as the rest of the group got there. They, along with the help of four or five Mexican men, were able to help get the foundations laid, and keep the construction on schedule. It was disappointing that we couldn't be there the time we planned, but it was a blessing that the men in the community came together to help us get things done. Lisa, Melissa, and Stormy (the women who run the church) were thrilled to have the Mexican men help out. They have been trying for eight years to get the men involved in the church in some way. Men are a big part of the community in Juarez and the boys look up to the men. Since the men aren't involved in the church the boys lose interest when they get older. The men helping lay foundations gave them a way to help the church and community while still being in their comfort zone. Lisa hopes that the men will continue to help out at the church throughout the year and be there next year to help us lay concerete and maybe let us build more houses.

Even though we were only there half of the time, we were still able to have a successful Vacation Bible School program. On our first full day in Juarez we had over 85 people at our first VBS session. Everything went smoothly throughout the week. We did two sessions of VBS each day and provided lunch for the kids in between. Each session of VBS included songs, a drama, a memory verse, a craft, a hygiene lesson, and English as Second Language (ESL) lesson. We tried to keep a theme for each day, it was difficult because of our time constraint, but our themes were "Jesus Gives us Friends", "Jesus is our Friend", and "Jesus Created the World Because He Loves Us". We aim the VBS program at the kindergarten or first grade level. We get kids anywhere from one year old to 15 years old. The hygiene lessons are simply things that we wouldn't dream of having to teach kids in America. We teach things like blowing your nose, brushing your teeth and washing your hands and hair. Everyday we give out things that correspond with the lesson. We gave out Kleenex, toothbrushes and toothpaste, and shampoo and soap. During the ESL lesson we try to teach the kids something positive while teaching them a few English words and phrases. This year all of the ESL lessons had to do with healthy eating.

VBS is the part of the trip that I do (and therefore think is most important), but the main reason we sent 50 people down to Juarez was to build houses. Our group built four houses. The houses are simple; they have three rooms, electrical hookups, but no plumbing. People are so excited to get houses from us. We do a dedication ceremony for each house where the whole team prays over the house ad we give the keys and a Bible to the family getting a house. This is the most moving part of the trip. The families are so happy to get these houses that by American standards would be practically nothing. One of the families who got a house used to live in a tiny camper that would fit in the bed of a normal truck. This wouldn't be that big of a deal except for the fact that this family had eight kids. The family is now finally able to have a decent place to live. The people are so appreciative and feel so blessed to be able to get homes from our group.


This trip included a lot more struggles than last year's trip had. But for every setback we had, particularly the three days in O'Hare Airport, something good came out of it. This trip made me understand the ability of God to turn adversity into blessings, and it gave me a better understanding of how much we need to rely on Him in all situations. Last year I came back from Juarez telling everybody what "we" did in Mexico, but this year "we" did nothing. God built four houses and provided for a VBS program and we were just the tools He used to do it. It took me three days in an airport and a nasty fever our last night in Juarez to finally understand this. The gifts of houses for the people in Juarez did not come from Faith Lutheran Church or any individual. The houses were a gift of love from God, and I feel privleged to be a part of this awesome experience.

I want to thank all of you again for making this trip possible through all your prayers and financial support. Without your support, this trip would not have gone nearly as well as it did. Thank you so much. In Christ's love, Mikey.

God and butterflies

I've been busy this week making some of my famous painted cookies for the church bake sale. I was painting this batch of butterflies yesterday:



I had done all the section outlines in black the day before and was painting the insides from a variety of colors I had prepared (royal icing, tinted and thinned out). As I was contemplating the color of each section, it occurred to me that God, while designing all the living things on the earth, had to decide on their color and patterns. He must have had a great time with butterflies! Stripe or dot here? Is this too red? How about a splash of gold? What fun it is to imagine God walking around the earth with His palette of infinite colors!

When I hear a person say they are "not creative"...I always disagree. We were all made in the image of God, and look how creative He is! And whenever we practice our creativity, we're using one of the many special gifts He gave each of us. Don't deny you have the gift of creativity because you're scared somebody won't like what you create - be it art, music, food, words, or anything else that can be created. Explore it and enjoy it, no matter what other people say.

How are you using your creative gifts?

Sweet-n-sassy 16!

Happy (belated) birthday to my niece and goddaughter Amanda, who turned 16 yesterday! I wish you were having a party. Instead, let's go bowling! OK!

Treasure each moment

Hopefully you young people out there don't spend a lot of time thinking about death. I sure wasn't about the time this picture was taken:


That is the late great Uncle Dan at a Christmas party in 1978 in his basement...the same basement I would live in for the first year of our marriage (not til 1994). But that's not me he's got his arm around. That's our friend Janet, who passed away this week. She was also our sister-in-law...her sister married his brother.

We all had a lot of fun together in those days. I would try to explain Daniel's headdress, but you really, really had to be there! I'm so glad we took a lot of pictures in those days too, and took care of them enough that I was able to get them into an album just in the last 10 years or so.

None of us knows if this will be our last day here. It is so very important to treasure each moment, make amends for the wrongs we have done, give forgiveness whenever it is requested (and even when it isn't), and tell those we love that we do. That's what life is all about...relationships.

Rest in peace, Janet. You are greatly loved.

Hollywood just doesn't get it

In a post about some ridiculous movies currently in production, the Real Live Preacher gives us some good advice:

Listen, I'm just a guy with a bad haircut from a small church you've never heard of, but I hope you'll listen to me for a moment because I have something important to say. When it comes to God, religion, spirituality, whatever you want to call it, ignore just about everything you see on television or in movies. If you are serious about making a spiritual connection with a power greater than ourselves, try the following suggestions:

• Let go of big things and embrace little things.
• Ignore loud things and listen for quiet things.
• Put aside obvious things and seek out hidden things.
• Forget easy things and learn hard and ancient things.
• Stop saving your life and start losing it.
• Let your thinking and believing become doing and serving.
• Quit trying to arrive and become at home on the journey.
• Lose your road maps and find a wise guide to walk with you.

Love the idea of God with all your heart, soul, mind, body, life, work, and strength. And while you're at it, try loving other people as much as you love yourself. You won't be able to do either of these, but trying will be very good for you.

Do these things all of your days and forever. Do these things and live.

Amazing movie

Yesterday I went to the theater to see Amazing Grace. It's the story of William Wilberforce, a man at the forefront of the abolition of the slave trade in British Empire (which happened nearly 60 years before slavery was abolished in the United States). It was his mentor, friend and former slave ship captain, John Newton, who wrote the words of the beloved hymn.

It is a beautiful, touching, disturbing movie about something important. Hollywood will put the "important film" label on lots of movies, but this one truly fits. Not only does it teach you about something horrible from our past, the film makers also seek to remind us that the slave trade may be over in some places, but it still flourishes around the world.

Didn't know that? Well, check out The Amazing Change Campaign website.

And go see the movie...today if you can. These days if a film doesn't do well at the box office in the first few days, it can't survive in the theatres no matter how good it is.

=======

On a side note, tonight is Hollywood's biggest night, their most important self-congratulatory event. They will award each other with praise, gold-colored statuettes, and tax-free swag, and celebrate how wonderful and beautiful they all are. And millions of people around the world will watch.

I won't be one of them.

I haven't watched in years, since I realized the "best this" and "best that" was just a way for a small society of elites to reward those who made the right kind of movies and right kind of politcal statements. It's a big kiss-up to the cool crowd from the cool crowd.

I will be shocked beyond words if Amazing Grace is nominated for anything next year. Oh, maybe a costume or lighting award, but nothing signifant. Because this movie doesn't fit the mold. It's a true story of moral absolutes, which don't exist in Hollywood.

What is love?

Today it seems "love" is all around us. Hearts, flowers, candy, cards...those are all symbols...a way to show our "love" on this particular day.

But what about the other 364 days of the year? What does the word "love" really mean? I've had several encounters in the last few weeks that caused me to give this subject some serious thought.

First, it was a conversation with my friend Father Mark, who brought up love in a conversation about politics (specifically about welfare). Then it was another preacher, a man I don't know, who gave an interesting sermon on that classic description of love in I Corinthians 13. Finally, a page on a daily calendar from yet another preacher wrapped it up for me. I think this is the best definition of love I have ever read:

Love is not a feeling we have; it is a decision to treat people the way Jesus would treat them.

So how do we do that? The second preacher suggested we replace the word "love" in I Corinthians 13:4-7 with "Jesus". Cool, that tells us how Jesus would treat people. Then, we were to replace it with our own name. And here's that result:

Judie is patient, Judie is kind. Judie does not envy, she does not boast, she is not proud. Judie is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, she keeps no record of wrongs. Judie does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Judie always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Notice how none of these are feelings that I have, but actions I take (or don't take) that define my love for others.

I'm not currently in a romantic relationship, so I don't expect to receive any flowers or candy or a card today. But that's OK, because I know I am loved by the actions others take towards me.

My kind of college

As many of you know, I went to Princeton University.

That statement is technically correct. I did go to Princeton. For one week. For a youth convention. In the summer of 1978. Except for the 125% humidity, the showers in the dungeon, the towels that never dried, the weird bugs crunching under our feet on the sidewalk because the maintenance staff picked that week to clean out the gutters, and a breakup with my boyfriend, I remember having a pretty good time.

The fact is that, except for the three credits I earned in Music Appreciation last year (yeah for me), I have not attended college. I have no serious educational experience beyond earning my Chicago public high school diploma. My understanding of what goes on in the halls of higher education is limited to what I hear from others. So I would never claim to be an expert on the subject of college.

On the flip side, what makes anyone think that a person who goes from high school to college to graduate school and then right into a teaching position knows about what the world is like outside the academy? They may be experts on their subject matter, methods of learning, and the politics of the sheltered world they inhabit. But it would be arrogant, to say the least, for them to speak with any assumed authority about the "real" world.

On her January 31st radio show, Laura Ingraham interviewed Nido Qubein, president of High Point University. Here is a man who is the embodiment of the American Dream. He came to this country with nothing, succeeded big-time in business, and is now leading a university dedicated to ensuring...

"...that we build a bridge that connects the hallowed hallway of academia with the practical, ever-so-demanding, ever-so-competitive, ever-so-changing highways and byways of life."

Qubein goes on to say...

"A student ought not simply major in college in business or sciences, etc. But rather should also know how to get along with people, how to communicate effectively, how to manage their money, how to invest their time, and so on."

Practical knowledge from someone who knows what he is talking about. If I had the means I would pursue a degree full-time, but only at an institution that hires teachers like these.

I don't think I'd live in the dorm, though. Unless it was the "lights out at 9:30" dorm. Do they have those? That would be my kind of college.

(An audio clip of the interview "Nido Qubein's American Dream" is available free for a few weeks at Laura's website.)

Mercy me!

When I wrote last week that conversations during my recent vacation had caused me to rethink the way I practice some of my beliefs, I wasn't quite sure how to articulate what I was feeling. But God has a way of giving us what we need at just the right time.

During my trip I was challenged several times about mercy. Having an attitude of mercy towards everyone. Mercy versus judgment. Mercy without enabling. God's mercy being a gift to us that we are then supposed to give away.

Well, it's one thing to know what you're supposed to do, and another thing to figure out how to do it. That's why God puts many teachers in our lives. The person who challenged me gave me the what, making me open to the person who just gave me the how.

Joyce Meyer's "Enjoying Everyday Life" broadcast from yesterday (available as a podcast on her website or through iTunes) is called "If You Sow Mercy, You Will Reap Mercy".

This one's a keeper.

God appreciates a good try

Sometimes I whine about how long it takes for me to drive to my church (35 minutes). But this can be a good time for reflection and preparation for worship. Unless I'm listening to the "ask the doctor" radio show, which makes it a good time to be grateful not to suffer from the weird ailments they talk about.

On last Sunday's trip I had a bit of a breakthrough in my thinking about some of the strongholds in my life. Well, not really a breakthrough, but a clear reminder of something I believe in (and preach to others) but often have trouble practicing myself:

"Progress, not perfection."

Or, as my friend Father Mark would put it...

"God appreciates a good try."

There are problems in my life that I have been struggling with since I was a child. No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to break through. Back in my teens and twenties I never imagined I would still be struggling all these years later.

But I've come to realize, through prayer and study, that perfectionism and impatience cloud my judgment about how far I've come. Just because I'm not "there" yet doesn't mean I have wasted my time trying. I have to remember that with each try I'm making progress...sometimes even if it is just learning one more thing that doesn't work.

Besides, when I do finally get "there", there will be a new "there" to work towards anyway!

What got me thinking about this on my Sunday trip to church was listening to the song "Try" from the "God is With Me" CD by Norman Lee (you can buy Norman's music on his website or iTunes).

Here's the chorus:

'Cause she tries, in a world gone crazy
She cries, hoping some day maybe
The storms of life will let that sun finally shine.

Every day she walks on faith
And she prays love will conquer hate
And her whole life won't be wasted time.
So she tries.

So I continue to walk in faith. I pray. And I try, remembering that God is using me for some good purpose even when (or maybe especially when) I fail.

Vacation Pictures

Be where you are? Do I have to?

"Be where you are" is a saying that to me means to live in the moment, because if you are always living in the past or the future, you can never enjoy today.

But, but here's where I am:

Chicago, Illinois (www.weather.com)

Quite frankly, I would rather be back here:

Half Moon Cay, Bahamas (last week)

I've been cold ever since I stepped off the plane at O'Hare Airport nine days ago after a week in warm. I love my life, Lord, I do. But did you really mean for your people to live in this climate? Seriously. Could you speed up the global warming a bit? Or consider sending me a job offer I can't refuse because it's in sunny Florida?

I'll be waiting for your answer.

PS: It's very hard to type with mittens on.

Back home

I'm off to work in a few minutes after my vacation. Frankly, I'm a little depressed. It's cold here, and Florida and the Bahamas are nice and warm.

The trip was fabulous! I'm told the seas were quite rocky, but being my first cruise I wasn't sure what to expect. I'm happy to say that I had not a smidgen of seasickness!

In some ways, this was a life-changing experience...not the cruise itself, but the fellowship, the new friends I met, the things I saw, and some conversations that may make me rethink some of my beliefs. Not my core beliefs, of course, but the way I practice them. More on the trip later.

For now, let me just thank God for our safe and wonderful journey.

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N

Well, I'm off to parts warm and breezy. I'll be on a cruise ship by this time tomorrow. God willing, I won't get too seasick or too homesick.

It's my first cruise, and I'm really looking forward to it. It is my intention to stay completely away from computers and the Internet. I don't even plan on reading the news, other than what they provide on board. I will be totally unplugged. Well, not totally.

My only real concession to modern communication will be my iPod, which I loaded up with lots of music and a few radio talk show podcasts.

Back sometime next week to tell you all about it!

It's her money

Sorry for the lack of posting. I'm just getting back to "normal" after some hectic work projects, travel and a cold that took a record time going away.

One of the few news stories that piqued my interest since the start of the new year is the opening of Oprah Winfrey's new school in Africa. Normally I don't pay much attention to Oprah. Not that I don't think she's interesting...it's just that long ago she got so "big" that she started believing her own hype. I've rarely watched her TV show, primarily because I work outside the home.

Anyway, the part of the story about the school that got me thinking is the criticism Oprah is receiving for not building such a school in her home country. It just goes to show you that no matter what you do, you will never please everyone.

Excuse me, critics, but it is her money! Who the heck are you to tell her how to spend it? Oh, wait. I forgot. We live in America, where a great percentage of the people think that if you have a lot of money, then it's your fault that other people don't.

LaShawn Barber has the best column I've read on this subject. Apparently, Oprah has tried to help inner-city schools, but even she, the eternal optimist, got discouraged. All my life I have been hearing the political mantra "more money for schools". But no amount of money thrown at a bad system is ever going to make it better.

Oprah is enormously successful because she has talent, was in the right place at the right time, made more good decisions than bad ones, and worked hard. She happens to live in time and place where her particular brand of media appeal translated into mega-dollars. But she's not God (although some people treat her that way) nor is she even close to perfect.

But she has earned her money, and it is her prerogative how to spend it.

Look at what's left

Excellent two-parter from Joyce Meyer's TV show about overcoming grief and loneliness. Go to her website and download it (December 27 and 28 shows).

I don't remember a lot of details from the months after my husband's sudden death (full story starts here). A few things stand out, like writing thank you notes while sitting in front of the TV on September 11th thinking that the world was ending. And then there were the looks on my new co-workers' faces when I told them entire story six weeks later in a staff meeting so I could get it all out and not have to tell it over and over.

But what Joyce's preaching reminded me of is a quiet moment at home (my new home at my sister's house). It was a few weeks into my widowhood, and my sister came into my room and gave me a hug. She was distressed because she didn't want me to have to live my life alone. I assured her that I would never be alone, since I was never moving out of her house (ha ha).

Jokes aside, I remember thinking at that moment how fortunate I was. I truly would never have to be alone. I had so many people loving me and praying for me, and not everyone has that. I had my faith, and by God's grace I was able to see all that was left, and not just what I had lost.

That doesn't mean it was easy to go through the grief. Some days even knowing all I had left wasn't enough...the loss overshadowed everything. I cried in my car. I cried in stores. I cried at work. Some days, frankly, I had to fake that everything was alright. But the "glass half full" moments gradually increased to where most of the time I realized my glass wasn't just half full, it was overflowing.

Those of you with new grief, please take heart. The days will get better, I promise. More importantly, that's God's promise. Look at what's left in your life. Cherish it, cling to it, and be grateful for all your big and little blessings.

Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming

Today's Our Daily Bread talks about a Christmas song that I haven't heard at all lately. It compares the arrival of Christ with the blooming of a rose in the dead of winter. As the essay says:

The song speaks of a season when roses don’t bloom and of a night half gone, a time when people often give in to despair.

Imagine how God's people felt after all those years of waiting for their Deliverer. They might have been ready to give up. Then in the middle of a winter night, when they least expected it, their prayers were answered.

God knows the hour and moment of your deliverance from your burden.

Don't give up.

Mele Kalikimaka

My long-time readers may recall that last year my family had the first "theme" Christmas. It was "Pajama Christmas", and we had a great time!

This year the theme was "Christmas in Hawaii". Since we could not afford to actually go to Hawaii, we brought Hawaii to us! The house was decorated with flowers and masks and a plastic totem pole and a palm tree window cling on the patio door. Our special project was making leis from real flowers flown in from Hawaii. Here I am with mine (can't find my regular camera so this is from the webcam):



I know, Christmas doesn't really need a theme (it kinda comes with one built in). But it's just a way to add a little extra fun to the day.

As for dinner, everything was FABULOUS as always! We had ham, meatballs and rumaki (two varieties - liver and scallops) along with lots of side dishes including Hawaiian salad. Dessert was cookies and a tropical version of my brother-in-law's famous creme brulee.

It was an almost perfect family day. The only thing that could have made it better was to have everyone there. But alas, miles and other kinds of distance prevented it. But you were all there in our hearts.

Well, gotta get the leis into the fridge and get myself to bed (work tomorrow). As they say in Hawaii, Mele Kalikimaka!

Go tell it, any way you can

Merry Christmas, and God's blessings to you today and always!

Yesterday at my home church we had a special Christmas Eve mass devoted especially to children. There weren't many people there. Several songs got messed up. The pianist and the guitar player got their signals crossed on one, and another one the words were too small to read. I sang solo several times, and since I have a cold my voice cracked a few times.

This morning I walked to the big church in my neighborhood. It was beautiful and almost full (and the place seats about 600). The orchestra played wonderfully. The soloist sang like an angel. Everything seemed to go off without a hitch.

And you know what? I LOVED both services!

Worship is one of those rare things in life where your intentions matter more than the results. God knows your heart, and if you sing loud and off-key but you are sincere it makes Him smile! He doesn't care if we make mistakes, as long as we come to Him.

Both services ended with a rousing rendition of "Go Tell It On The Mountain". Well, there are no mountains around here, so I'll have to settle for the internet.

JESUS CHRIST IS BORN! May He be born again in your heart today.

Shopping surprise

It was a quick trip to pick just a few last-minute items for Christmas. And the first thought that entered my mind when I saw this was "NOW I've seen everything".



Yes, that is a Hello Kitty Coffee Maker!

I've got nothing against Hello Kitty. It just seems to me that kids are growing up so fast these days (geezer moment here) and it pains me to think of a kid young enough to love Hello Kitty looking for their java fix first thing in the morning.

But then something else occurred to me. What if it was thirty-somethings buying this just trying to put a little memory of their childhood into their morning routine? Picture a young executive about to leave for her high-stress job. She's got a meeting with her toughest client at nine and performance reviews to finish after that. For most of the day she will have both feet squarely in her adult world.

Nothing wrong with stepping back into childhood for a little while and a little smile. As long as you don't try to live back there.

But then what's next? A Polly Pocket radar detector?

Be a blessing

A friend of mine was trying to get a gift for his wife the other day by taking a quick lunchtime trip to the nearby mall. He was working on an important project and couldn't be away from the office for long.

He never made it into the mall, but perhaps his real mission for the day was accomplished. A woman was stuck near the entrance to the parking lot in her stalled minivan. He helped get her vehicle off the road. What a wonderful blessing he was to that woman! By the time he was done he had to turn around and get back to work.

Helping her was an inconvenience, not to mention a difficult and dirty job. But to a guy like him it was a no-brainer. He saw several other men in cars pass this woman by on their way into the mall. None of them stopped to help.

It reminded me of more than one occasion when I chose not to help out somebody when I could have. In particular was the time I saw an older woman trying to shovel her car out of the parking space where the snow plows had buried it. I was running late for a church meeting and quickly decided that the meeting was more important. Turns out that particular meeting started a half hour late. But even if it didn't, stopping to help her would have certainly been a good use of my time.

Every day we encounter situations where we have the opportunity to be a blessing. Sometimes it's pushing a dirty minivan in your good work clothes. Sometimes it's as simple as giving a smile instead of a frown (especially to store clerks at this time of year).

When that little voice inside gives you a blessing alert, listen to it. You can make somebody's day, and add a little light to your own.

The hidden 'fense

I watched those last two Joyce Meyer TV shows about how damaging taking and giving offense can be. Before I go on let me just say...podcasting is SO COOL! I don't have TV right now (a personal choice), but I can get some shows over my computer if they are available via podcasting, which Enjoying Everyday Life is.

Besides giving and taking offense with others, they talked about "offending yourself". Huh? What does that mean? At first I thought it meant hurting my own feelings then apologizing to myself (sorry, Judie). It's sort of like that, only not so "split personality".

Not loving ourselves is offensive. After all, if God (the Creator of the Universe, the Big Guy, Numero Uno) loves you (and He does whether you believe it or not) then who the heck are you NOT to?

What a radical thought! I have wasted a good portion of my life not loving much about myself for various reasons (no time to list them all). Somehow I got the notion in my head that "loving yourself" was vanity and therefore a sin. But a quick look at the Thesaurus gives us synonyms for vanity such as arrogance, conceit and narcissism. That's not love.

What we're talking about is believing in your worth as a human being, and loving yourself, even if there are things you currently don't like about yourself. That's not to say that we don't have anything to improve upon (that would be vanity). But right here today, as you are, you agree with God.

It never occurred to me that not loving myself meant that I disagreed with God. But I was in effect saying "well, You might love me but I have higher standards". Higher standards than God? Yikes!

So it's very important for me to break my habits of telling jokes at my own expense, putting myself down, and being super-critical about the things I want to change about myself. I need to remember that each step I take in the right direction is progress.

Time to knock down those 'fenses once and for all.

The other side of the 'fense

OK, let's say we are able to turn our thinking around and make the choice not to be offended. There's another side to this. What about the things we say and do that offend other people? Shouldn't they be cool like us and just let it go?

Well, sure, in an ideal world. But we don't live in that world. We live in a world where some people's first reaction upon being offended is to kill. Or start a riot. Or call a lawyer.

That reminds me of one of my favorite TV shows - Ally McBeal (1997-2002). It was about a law firm. One of the partners was Richard Fish, who had a clever way of offending people and assuming forgiveness from them in the same breath. He would say something outrageous, knowing it would offend, and follow it with a single word - "bygones" - short for "let bygones be bygones", meaning to let past offenses stay in the past (as if two seconds was "the past").

In a TV show, that's funny. In real life, Richard would more likely have been slapped or worse before he got the "bygones" out. We have to be as careful not to offend as we are not to take offense. I almost think this is more difficult, as we cannot always know what might offend somebody. But let's be honest, we usually do know. How often are we like Richard? We say something then follow it up with "I was only joking". Or "they shouldn't be so sensitive". The point is, we are ultimately responsible for every single word that comes out of our mouth.

For one summer back in the 1980's I worked for a man who always (and I mean always) took at least several seconds to form his thoughts before speaking. This was weird and sometimes very annoying, since the concept of thinking before speaking was completely alien to me. He had to have consciously developed that skill. And although I don't remember much else about him, my guess is that he rarely said something he later regretted, since he always preceded his words with so much thought.

We cannot change other people, only ourselves. And I'm not saying that is easy to do. But if we learn to stop and think first before speaking, and before reacting to other people's words, we can build new thought habits that will lead to a more peaceful life for ourselves and those around us.

Offense: take it or leave it

What kind of fence only exists in the mind of the beholder? Offense.

Not my best word-play, I'll admit. But it came to mind recently as I was talking to a group of young people about an ongoing hurt-feeling situation amongst them. The idea didn't originate with me...I read so much that I pick things up and sometimes forget where they came from. It might have come from several sources. But it boils down to this:

Being offended is really our own choice.

Think about it. Somebody does or says something and you "take offense" or "are offended". Both those common terms reflect action on our part. The way I see it, when we feel offended one of three things is happening:

The person intends to offend us. In this case, if we choose not to be offended, we have taken away that person's power in the situation.

OR

The person did not mean to offend us. They said or did something that they thought was funny or harmless but did not realize it might be taken personally or the wrong way. In this case, if we choose not to be offended, we have avoided hurt feelings and a damaged relationship.

OR

Someone is "pushing the envelope" for the sole purpose of getting a reaction. Vulgar movies and song lyrics, political cartoons and talk shows, hate speech, "No Fat Chicks" bumper stickers, pornography and the like would fall into this category. When we turn it off or choose to ignore it, again, we are taking away the power that person or organization has to offend us.

At work, I used to feel offended when certain co-workers would (seem to) ignore my emails. But not too long ago I realized that, among my peers anyway, I probably get fewer emails by far than anyone else. One of my co-workers can sometimes get 20 emails an hour! Most are real, must-read-and-respond emails (not just notifications of system activity, junk mail, etc). I realized that it's more likely that I'm being lost in a flood rather than purposely ignored. I've learned to adjust my communication methods (and my thinking) to get the answers I need and be more at peace at the same time.

I personally think that maybe 90% of the time we are offended, it is unintentional or a misunderstanding on the other person's part. How much better off would we be if we could dial-down our sensitivity to things and learn to summon peace in our own minds? What kind of affect would that have on the world?

One of my favorite preachers is Joyce Meyer, and she will be talking about this subject on her TV show this week with author John Bevere, who calls offense "Satan's bait". Can't wait to see that.

The Thrill of the Chaste

The Thrill of the Chaste is the first book by our friend Dawn Eden at The Dawn Patrol. Ever since I heard she was writing a book on the subject of chastity, I knew it would be something I would want to read and write about here. For chastity is the lifestyle I have chosen (with some difficulty) since the death of my husband five years ago.

Although we are constantly barraged by sexual messages in television, films, magazines, newspapers, music and the internet, this is still (as it should be) a subject that one does not discuss lightly. Dawn makes her case for a chaste lifestyle effectively because she has the courage to tell us about her own experiences. Anyone who wants to someday have the most awesome human relationship possible--a spiritually and physically fulfilling marriage--should read this book and thank God for giving Dawn the calling, the talent and the guts to write it.

As I read, I used a highlighter pen and some of those little Post-It Page Markers to mark sections that really spoke to me and that I would want to quote. Good idea, except that I had used 30 of them by the time I finished Chapter 8.

So I decided to pick one thing to share with you here, and it comes from my 13th Post-It Page Marker. In Chapter 5, Dawn talks about the loss of innocence which starts not with the first sex act itself, but with the crossing of a certain boundary and what happens after that if you make sex part of your dating life:

Yet, as you explored further, you could never recapture that feeling you had before you took that first step--the feeling of hopefulness and unexplored possiblities. You might try to repeat the same thing you did before with a new man, but in your mind you would always compare your new date to those who had preceded him. Whether he was better, worse, or just different, he was coloring on pages that already contained the outlines of other men.

This is where I have to admit that there were "outlines of other men" on my pages before I married. I bought into the lie that it was alright as long as you were "in love" or that you at least "respected" the other person (whatever that means). And I was not my husband's first lover either. It still makes me sad to know that my husband and I were never truly the only people in our bed, because the memory of others would always be there (deep down and unconscious most of the time, but still there). Sex is such an intense, bonding experience that it can never really be "casual". Anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves.

What I can tell you that Dawn couldn't is that, having experienced sex both inside and outside of marriage, I know without a doubt that there is simply no comparison. Saving yourself for the husband or wife God has picked for you will be worth the wait.

Since He designed it that way, how could it be otherwise?

Books, books, books

Recently finished and will review shortly:

The Thrill of the Chaste
America: The Last Best Hope
Leadership

Currently reading:

Shut Up and Sing
America Alone

The Nativity Story

I did make it to the theater last night to see The Nativity Story. I have to agree with a lot of the reviews I read yesterday...the movie seems pretty slow and boring. But unlike them, I shed a few tears at the end.

I would have liked to see more character development, especially in the case of Mary, Joseph and even the shepherd. We are so far removed from the way of life in that time in history that it is very difficult to relate to the motivation of the characters. But in the end it is a very simple story. The real drama will come during Jesus's ministry and in His death and resurrection.

As a Christian, what made me cry at the end was watching that baby and family, knowing what they would go through in the next 33 years...the thought of God coming down to Earth to live in a human body, just to die a horrible death, for me.

And as for that 100 mile journey on a donkey? Mary chose to go with her husband, and the trip was not fun (to say the least). She chose to accept God's will for her life, just as we have that choice. We will never be asked to do more than we can bear.

Mary was truly blessed amongst women.

Supporting "good" Hollywood

With movies available on DVD sent to my home at my request (Netflix is so cool), I don't often actually go to the movie theater much anymore.

But unless it is closed due to bad weather (and it just might be), I'm heading to popcornland tonight to see The Nativity Story.

With so much junk coming out of Hollywood on a regular basis, it's not enough to avoid paying money for the stuff I don't want to see. I'm doing my small part to encourage Hollywood to make better movies by supporting them when they do come along.

And maybe when Mary is told she has to travel 100 miles on a donkey when she is about to give birth, this time we will actually hear her say "are you KIDDING ME?!?"

Or maybe not.

A belated thanks

I don't have time this morning to list all the things I am thankful for this season. However, one person in particular has had my sincere gratitude for the last several days.

That would be Felix Hoffman, the inventor of aspirin.

Why? Well, when a 46-year-old-out-of-shape-body is forced by a young-at-heart attitude to play touch football for the first time ever, that body is gonna ache something fierce.

Yes, it hurts. But it sure was fun!

To those who mourn

This year, many in my circle of friends will be experiencing the "firsts"...first holidays after the death of one or more dear ones.

When I lost my father, husband and cat (all sudden and unexpected) within just a few months in 2001, and ended up moving several times and changing jobs, plus experienced 9/11 with the rest of the world, my life was a whirlwind of grief. On any given day, I was in several different stages of grief for each of those losses (and more). Some days, these feelings blended together into a big fat black cloud that blocked every ray of light.

Talk about confusing! I didn't know what stage of grief (shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, acceptance) I was supposed to be in. I couldn't tell if I was "making progress" or sinking. When I got to the point that I felt I was in danger of never recovering, I reached out for professional help.

The most important thing I learned from the therapist is that grief is a unique experience for human beings. Each person experiences grief differently, and each loss for that person is experienced differently. It's also unique in the sense that it doesn't follow a linear path like so much else in our lives.

Grief is a spiral. Picture a spiral staircase, only instead of it being the same width top to bottom, it gets wider as you take steps. Oh, and it goes both up and down (this is some whacky staircase).

At the beginning of your grief journey, you may experience the loss acutely every minute. You wake up thinking of your dear one. You feel like crying all the time. But then one day you realize you woke up and had breakfast and were on your way to work before you thought about it. A while later you are back to crying, but it's not all the time. Then a holiday or milestone hits and it seems like you are back to the first step.

You're not. You are on a different step, higher up and farther out from the center, with a bigger gap between episodes each time they come around. The first Christmas (birthday, anniversary or other milestone) is horrible, the second one awful, the third one not as bad, and so on. If you are walking up that spiral staircase, you're making progress.

But if you're walking down the staircase, you find that it ends in a dark circle. Your grief stages rotate and you experience them over and over again and the gaps between them never get wider. You're stuck. That's where I was when I reached out. The therapist helped turn me around, sending me back up that staircase.

I'm still on that staircase. I am on the step where I mostly smile when I think of Dad or Daniel (I'm pretty much over the loss of Stanley the cat). But I still wish they were here. Dad would be getting a kick out of giving the little ones Christmas gifts that their parents would not like (drum sets, trampolines). Daniel would eat too much and give me a lame gift (like the $2 bill I still carry in my wallet).

To my friends who mourn, know that you shall be comforted. Know that it will get better. Know that the pain you are feeling now is normal and healthy and will lessen in time, as long as you keep walking up. If you find yourself walking down, reach out. Help is available. Prayer, of course, can bring comfort. But God puts people in our lives to help too. People who write things like this.

And if you are already stuck in the dark at the bottom of the staircase, it's never to late to turn around. As long as there is life, there is hope of recovery.

How do you define success?

The other day a young man I know was pondering the level of "success" he has achieved so far. He is just out of college, working two jobs and living on his own. But he seemed to be down about his life because he was comparing himself to an acquaintance who was a bit older but had many more (worldly) achievements - owns his own house, runs a business, is engaged to be married.

Many years ago a friend of mine was mocking a family we knew. She said that their idea of success is being able to take a two-week driving-trip vacation every year. I remember thinking "good for them...they are successful".

So how do you define success, when it is all relative...either to somebody else or your own idea of what success means? By making the right comparison.

Every day, measure your success by comparing your life to the life God wants you to lead. If God gave you a report card for your day, what kind of grades would you get? How did you use the gifts He gave you today? What kind of Spirit did you project to those around you? What did you do for others?

Somehow I doubt there would be grades on God's report card for how much money you made, what kind of car you're driving or the size of your house. These are worldly measures, always relative and always fluctuating (you get the nice house, but then your brother gets a nicer one, so yours isn't good enough anymore).

It's not easy to ignore the world's idea of what constitutes success, especially in our country. But knowing you are measuring up to what God expects of you is a much more peaceful way to live.

A special day and a special man

Veteran's Day is one of those holidays that I used to jokingly refer to as "pseudo-holidays" because, if I didn't get the day off of work it couldn't be a "real" holiday, could it? But this year I had reason to reconsider my selfish, stupid attitude as I said goodbye to a very special man.

I knew my father-in-law Teofil had fought in World War II, and had been injured in Italy. Daniel told me a little, but his dad didn't like to talk about the war. It wasn't until his recent passing when I got to see his medals and hear more of the story that I truly understood what men like him were made of.

World War II was the biggest war in history, spanning much of the globe and resulting in the deaths of more than sixty million people. Teofil was almost one of them. He was shot and put back on the front line twice before his final injury. He was left for dead in one of the biggest campaigns of the war, the Battle of Monte Cassino. Fortunately for so many of us, his story didn't end on that battlefield. He was found, he recovered, and went on to live a long life.

Although his war experience was no doubt a defining factor of the man he was, it was only one part of his life. The man I will remember is a composite of that quiet war hero plus the hard worker (35 years of hauling the mail), dedicated churchgoer and generous father and grandfather. Beyond all that, my memory of this fine man will always be colored by love stories.

As Daniel told it, his father had to wait four years to marry his mother. Lottie had tuberculosis and had to spend a long time in a sanitarium. As a woman, the thought of a man waiting that long because he had chosen me...well, it makes my heart flutter.

But my favorite image, the one that makes me smile to this day, is from my husband's childhood. I once asked Daniel what his happiest memory was. Without hesitation he said that he never felt more happy, more safe, more warm, than when he would curl up on his father's lap. He wished he was a boy again so he could have that feeling just one more time.

Teofil, Lottie and Daniel are together now, resting in communion with our Lord. Their earthly lives are over, but they live here still in the hearts of the people who loved them.

The story of this man is not unique. The people of his generation fought one kind of war, and the people of our time are fighting another kind. All veterans, especially those who saw battle, deserve our respect, honor and gratitude...today and every day.

God Bless America

I have purposely not looked at the election results yet this morning. No matter who the winners and losers are, no matter who runs Congress now...we still live in, what Michael Medved calls every day at the end of his radio show, "the greatest country on God's green earth."

I proudly wore my "I Voted Today" sticker on my sweater all day yesterday. It reminded me that, while voting is a right, living in this country is a privilege. I vote because I can. And I can because of people like my father-in-law, who passed away a few weeks ago. I'll write more about him soon.

My thoughts of him yesterday were of the sacrifices he and others like him made. His blood was left on the fields of battle in World War II, which allowed me to walk into a room and cast a vote for the kind of country in which I want to live.

And I thank God every day that I live here.

Happy happy happy

Happy belated birthday to my niece Krysta...19 and fabulous!

And Happy birthday today to Father Paul...ageless and priceless!

xoxoxoxoxo

Wanting what I can't have (yet) - Part IV

Read Part I
Read Part II
Read Part III

This is the day that the Lord hath made.

I don't know what will happen today. But I can be pretty darn sure what will NOT happen. I won't be getting married today. I won't be a size 10 today. Today I won't have a healed friendship with my former roommate who hasn't talked to me in 10 years. I won't run a 5k today.

These are all things I want but cannot have, yet. (OK, maybe I don't actually want to run a 5k, but I want to be in the kind of physical shape it takes to run a 5k.) Is it possible that I will never have these things? Yes. Does that mean I give up wanting them? No way. But to be sad or resentful that I don't have what I think I want is no way to live.

I'm happy today because I have decided to be grateful for God's many, many blessings in my life. And I'm happy because each and every day is a new chance to do a little or a lot (as guided by the Spirit) to build towards the things I want. I can drop a "thinking of you" note to my ex-roommate. I can pray for willingness to eat right and exercise today. I can rest in the knowledge that if God wants me to be married again someday, I've got the best Matchmaker in the history of the universe working on my behalf.

The Bible is full of God's promises. Seriously...there are hundreds in there (check out this list). And I choose to believe that God will fulfill His promises, in a way that is the very best for me.

And who could want more than that?

Wanting what I can't have (yet) - Part III

Read Part I
Read Part II

Elisabeth Elliot wrote this book thirty years ago as a collection of advice for her daughter, who was about to get married. I'm almost done reading it. So far, the paragraph that speaks to me most, the one that could almost have been written by me, is this:

I had been a widow for thirteen years when the man who was to become your stepfather proposed. It seemed to me the miracle that could never happen. That any man wanted me the first time was astonishing. I had gone through high school and college with very few dates. But to be wanted again was almost beyond imagination. I told this man that I knew there were women waiting for him who could offer him many things I couldn't offer--things like beauty and money. But, I said, "There's one thing I can give you that no woman on earth can outdo me in and that's appreciation." The perspective of widowhood had taught me that.

I was an older bride...just shy of 34 when I married Daniel. Before the nature of our friendship changed, I had pretty much resigned myself to the belief that I might remain single my entire life. I don't remember being scared or saddened by that thought; I just accepted it.

Now, having experienced marriage - what Daniel referred to as "the ultimate" human experience - I know I want it again. And I have been scared that it wouldn't happen again. But I'm coming to realize that I don't need to worry about it. I don't need to "put myself out there" in the dating world or otherwise "move the process along".

All I need to do is keep my eyes on God, seek and do His will for my life, and let Him lead me to my ultimate destiny. Whether it includes another marriage for me or not, it is certainly the best plan for living.

continued

Wanting what I can't have (yet) - Part II

Read Part I

Until I came across that quote, I had never heard of Elisabeth Elliot. Here is her web site.

And Let Me Be a Woman is the book I bought.

continued

Wanting what I can't have (yet)

I just got back home from a quick trip to Michigan (the reason for which I'll write about very soon). My drive home was blessed, as I narrowly avoided a potentially dangerous situation caused by what I think was once a car's bumper being flung around the highway by passing vehicles. I tried to avoid it, but the object hit the side of my car as I passed. Fortunately, it appears all it did was put a scratch in the dirt (time for a car wash).

Besides those few seconds of hyper-alertness, my drive was filled with something that seemed pleasant but has the potential of being more dangerous than a flying piece of metal.

It's natural for me to think of (and miss) my husband when I'm with his family. Daniel was on my mind a lot these last few days. But the seed that was planted by my thoughts of him bloomed into a romantic fantasy about somebody else. So what's so dangerous about that?

Daniel has been gone for over five years now. I've written a bit about the subject of dating, and my feeble attempts to "get out there". And, of course, the subject inevitably comes up when I'm with friends I don't see very often. Which leads me to daydream in idle moments (like six hours in a car alone).

There is a special man in my life. He is a good man, and one of the best people I know. He is a long-time friend with whom I have shared more about myself than perhaps he ever wanted to know. That kind of closeness can be comforting, and at times a little scary. And it can also lead to the kind of mind games I experienced today.

You may think that a little fantasy is no big deal. But when we indulge in a fantasy, it can have a detrimental affect on our reality. I don't want to ruin my friendship with this man by imagining us in situations that will probably never happen. Could he be a potential mate? He is single and a Christian, so yes. But what if he is not intended for me? By letting my imagination run wild, I could be setting myself up for (at best) disappointment or (at worst) a serious fall.

When I find myself wanting what I do not (or cannot, or may never be able to) have, I know it is because I am trying to fill that hole in my spirit that is meant for my relationship with God. So when I got home I went online to search for some new books or web sites to help me get my mind, heart and spirit back where they belong. Which in turn led me to a quote that I think says it all for us single women of faith:

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man must be seeking the Lord to find it." (Elisabeth Elliott)

So now I'm off to the bookstore.

continued...

My head is a jukebox

UPDATE: Wednesday morning - today's song is "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother".

======

For the past couple of weeks, every morning when I wake up I have a different song in my head. This morning it is "What Kind of Fool" by Barry Gibb and Barbra Streisand. Yesterday it was "Kung Foo Fighting".

I think I'm working too hard.

Bless Yourself

When I start my day with quiet time for prayer, reading God's Word and personal reflection, my day is better than when I don't start it this way. It doesn't matter what happens during the day, I just seem to be able to "handle" everything better when I have sought that spiritual connection first.

One part of my morning "time with God" routine is reading the day's message from my Joyce Meyer "Starting Your Day Right" calendar. Today's message made me realize that I have perhaps been doing my morning routine with the wrong intention...to please God. I'll quote the whole thing:

I love those who love me, and those who seek me early and diligently shall find me. (Proverbs 8:17, Amplified Bible)

Our motives are misplaced if we think we read the Bible and pray to please God or to keep from making Him mad at us. Every single thing that God tells us to do, He tells us to do so to bless ourselves. He doesn't ask us to devote ourselves to study and prayer for Him; it is for us. The good life is our choice.

The good life is our choice. Think about that. Does it make sense? How can the good life be our choice when so much of what we experience is out of our control. Guess what? Everything we experience is out of our control! The only thing we can control are the choices we make.

When we choose to pursue conscious contact with God, seeking him through our own free will, we can experience those "fruits of the spirit" that Paul wrote about to the Galatians...love, joy, peace, patience, kindess, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

And aren't those the things that make it a good life?

Sin makes us stupid

Ever wonder why you do things that you later realize you knew you couldn't possibly get away with? Here's one explanation from Our Daily Bread.

A Rae of Hope

It's been another wildly busy couple of weeks for me. I'm just back from a 10-day business/personal/business trip. Each time I travel it seems I try to squeeze in more and more activity. Which is fine, except when I wake up and forget what town I'm in.

This trip included a stop to help out a friend by working at a charity golf outing. It was lots of fun...I got to meet many nice people and watch how they act on a golf course (not bad...only one F-word all day). I got to drive a golf cart for the first time in my life (I'd like to get me one of those, but I don't know where I would use it). But, most important, the event raised a good amount of money for a very worthwhile cause.

Sammi Rae of Hope is an organization dedicated to helping families facing severe financial pressure, and the possible loss of their home, due to a family member's life-threatening medical crisis.

It's something you might not think about when you hear of a family in this horrible situation. With everything else going on, they can find themselves at the brink of bankruptcy or foreclosure. Sometimes it only takes a grant of several hundred dollars to prevent a family from losing their home...an awful experience at any time. Imagine how that devastation is compounded when you're also fighting for life.

When you think about charities you support, consider adding Sammi Rae of Hope to your list. And if you know of anyone that needs this kind of help, tell them about a little girl named Sammi, her wonderful family, and the organization she inspired.

Life is lived today

You know how you can be having a dream, and it seems like the dream is lasting for hours or days, and when you wake up you realize you've only been asleep for a few minutes? That's sort of how I feel right now about the past 46 years. Just like a dream, I remember some things very clearly. But most everything else is foggy or forgotten. And all those years seem to have gone by in minutes.

But they didn't. Those years went by in days, one day at a time, just like today will. God willing, tomorrow I'll look back on today and it will melt into the dream state which is the part of my life that is behind me. The only day that I'm consciously living is today...not all the yesterdays and not all the potential tomorrows. Just today.

And that's the way it's supposed to be.

The King is dead (long live the king)

Li'l Wally, the Polka King, has passed away.

Wally and his family lived across the street from us when I was very young. My Dad told me that on Saturday nights they would close down our block and the band would play and everyone would dance in the street. I wish I remembered that.

What I do remember is that I had a crush on his son Jimmy. Sweet thoughts of a simpler time.

Rest in peace, Li'l Wally. And thank you for the music.